Commuting Etiquette

For the first time commuter first my congratulations, quickly followed by my commiserations. The only thing you need to know how to do when commuting is getting a seat. The holy grail to all journeys. I'm not talking wear a sombrero and bring a pig with you, no by acknowledging a few simple observations you can maximise your chances of getting your day off to the best start.

So... You first wait on the platform hoping to God that it is on time, trains do wonders for what I call S.C. (spontaneous christianity) and when the train does roll in the careful shuffling for position begins. Old ladies will shove you out the way if you do not shuffle with confidence and direction.

There is always one rich looking bastard who tries to edge his way in front of you having only just got into the station. This can be instantly remedied simply by staring him down, you must not blink, he eventually thinks better of it (every time). but don't forget you have to keep your eye on the carriages making sure you are getting onto one that has plenty of free seats.

Your now third to the door (hi-5) and you squeeze your way onto the train being careful not to lose your place in line, then there is the next hard decision do you go left or right. People will be filling the carriage from both ends so it becomes purely instinctual.

Filtering down the aisle you ignore the disabled and elderly priority seats, keeping your bag with you because storing it takes up precious time. You spot a seat, you spot another seat. So who to sit next to? The bald guy in a suit or the other bald guy in a suit. You take the bald guy in a suit.

Well done you have a seat, you avoid eye contact with those who have to stand up right next to you. But inside there is a massive grin and they know it.

You go through your getting comfortable on the train rituals (getting your ticket ready, putting your bag in the over head ect ect) and you sit back waiting for the next thing that could go wrong, hoping that on the way back you're not late and stuck with the drunk teens or screaming family going on there annual holiday to Norfolk.

If there was ever an argument for euthanasia this would be it.

In the case of missing out on getting a seat you have three choices, you can walk very slowly with the rest of the seatless down the carriage hoping there is an extra carriage today, you can sit on a cold moving floor having people walk on you or you can chance it in one of the priority seats although it does not go down well if you refuse to give it up. I don't care what that boy in a wheel chair said the fact that he is already in one suggests that he didn't need mine. No one agreed with me.

I'd like to dedicate this post to National Express. For they help me get to work everyday. Not because there trains run on time or are generally any good but because I hate them so much it gives me energy. I get up that little bit earlier everyday just so that I can hate them some more.